Review: Horror Express (1972)

Horror Express (1972)

Director: Eugenio Martín (as Gene Martin)

Writers: Arnaud d'Usseau (screenplay), Julian Zimet (screenplay)

Stars: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas

         

I love John Carpenter's The Thing. Who doesn't? I love the more recent prequel film too, also called The Thing. Who does? Before those, there was the classic The Thing From Another World, and before that, there was the original 1938 novella they were based on. And here we've got... uh... none of those.

We've got 1972's Horror Express, but the plot may sound familiar.

An ancient figure is found frozen in ice. Scientists remove it and it thaws out. The next thing you know, people are getting killed and the creature begins to adapt, absorbing their memories, their personalities, and it can look like anyone. It's an alien creature from the dawn of time, and the only way to tell who's now real and who isn't is to medically check everyone. As paranoia begins to grow amongst the poorly-armed survivors, things are looking bleak as the creature attempts to escape...

Wait, run that by me again?

Yes, the story is almost identical, even if the surroundings are different. Here our alien popsicle is brought aboard a train in 1906, the Trans-Siberian Express. Professor Saxton is proud of his find, boxing it and wrapping up the crate with chains. His rival, Doctor Wells, is keen to sneak a peek and pays someone to drill a hole in the crate and have a good look at what's inside. Naturally, someone gets killed and the body goes missing.

Inspector Mirov then orders the crate opened and the dead man is discovered inside, although the frozen body isn't. Before long, the body count rises and the autopsies are confirming that their knowledge is being drained out of them through their eyes. The prehistoric being is shot and killed, but that's when Saxton and Wells learn that it's only a host body and the creature can become anyone. It's an alien being, and the only way to detect it is for Saxton and Wells to study everybody's eyes. Well, you can probably figure out the rest.

But is Horror Express actually any good? Sadly, you'll also either love this or hate this, depending on what you're after.

If you want an action-packed horror film, this isn't it. If you want nail-biting suspense and jangling paranoia, you'll be disappointed. It's a cheaply-made film with music that sounds more like it belongs in a Western at times, and the story seems to get away from itself. Oh, and the ending is a little disappointing. So knowing that, what are its good points?

First of all, it has two heroes who don't get along with each other. They may be colleagues, but they're competitive, and while it may not be used to its full advantage, it still makes a nice change. Also they're played by Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, which boosts the quality of this production and makes it feel like a Hammer horror film. It even has Telly Savalas in it for the last half an hour or so, for good measure. And he's not in Kojak mode, but Maggott from The Dirty Dozen mode.

Some of the moments and images on display are the fuel of classic nightmares too, including the white-eyed stares of every victim as blood pours down their faces. It has a wry sense of humour at times too, in particular when Dr. Wells tries to charm a gorgeous redhead who's too young for him. The train setting may not have the Arctic ambiance of The Thing, but it's a confined space and that means a claustrophobic atmosphere.

Also, remember that means that the creature is constantly drawing nearer... and before long it'll escape into society.

It's a smart take on it. Except the unhurried pace of the film turns what should have been a frantic race against time into a slow ride on a slow train. I know, that was the style of horror movies back then and it does work as a film, but it just feels like a missed opportunity to turn those tension screws a few more times. That being said,  I liked this movie, even if the story is familiar. Lee and Cushing are always a joy to watch

Horror Express isn't an express ride. But it has horror, and the journey is smooth and steady with lots to see. It's worth the price of the ticket, so climb aboard.

- Rick Austin

Review: Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2002)

Director: Ellory Elkayem / Warner Bros. Pictures

(Originally published on JedBundy.com 3/3/2013)

                  From David Arquette’s Things-To-Do list…

1)     Gain some fame from Wes Craven films.

2)     Land Courtney Cox, lose her later.

3)     Make people remember I starred in Airheads; Make them forget I was in See Spot Run.

4)     Become WCW champion, ruin Eric Bischoff’s career.

5)     Make a monster movie that needs a hyphen in the title.

6)     Do some more Wes Craven Films.

7)     Check into rehab.

There’s something about David Arquette that David Arquette doesn’t quite understand: people like him. He’s the sort of guy you’d want to go for a beer with (if he still drank) and who you could just watch horror movies and wrestling with whilst sharing a pizza. He’s a lovable goof of a guy who oozes that “everyman” charm that Hollywood hates so much. Thankfully, he’s exactly what this B-movie homage needed to make it work.

The story is pure hokum: The down-on-it’s-luck mining town of Prosperity is shipping toxic waste about and a barrel falls into the local river. A farmer of exotic spiders captures some irradiated bugs and feeds them to his arachnid chums, and they promptly grow to colossal size, kill him and escape, wiping out all manner of animals (including ostriches) before setting their sights on the local townsfolk.

Thankfully, Arquette has arrived back in town convinced that his dead father’s tales of the mines housing a fortune in untapped gold are true. Before you know it, he’s the unlikely hero who’s romancing the town sheriff and climbing radio towers to try to get a signal to the outside world for help. The rest of the citizens (the ones who survive, anyway) take refuge in the local shopping mall and arm themselves as best as possible.

Of course, you can see the end coming a mile away. They explain early on that the mining tunnels are full of methane gas that could blow at any time, and we know that the spiders have made those tunnels their home. Three guesses for figuring out the ending of the movie, and the first two don’t count. Of course, the important thing is that everyone’s having fun here and you can just go along for the ride, right? Wrong.

This is a film that has as many cons as it does pros. It’s hard to tell if it’s a homage to monster B-movies or just an insult. What makes those old junkers so lovably funny is that the filmmakers were trying so hard to be serious. Instead, we’ve got a monster movie that set out to be funny, by putting silly squeaky people-noises on the spiders and by having set-pieces like a cat take on a spider inside a wall that shows the imprints of the fight like a cartoon.

For all that, it’s a fun romp. The townsfolk are bumbling morons and seeing them defend the local mall is brilliant. The effects are good, and things like the spider attack on some “Xtreme” bikers are well handled. Arquette is ably assisted by Doug E. Doug, Kari Wuhrer and a young Scarlett Johansson, and the film rolls along at a good pace.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work as a horror film no matter how fun it is, it’s just too silly. If you’ve got a hankering for a scary spider movie, you’d be better off watching the far superior Arachnophobia, and if you want a good tribute to monster movies then watch Cloverfield or The Host. This movie is like Arquette himself: it just doesn’t quite understand itself.

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Review: The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

Director: Joseph Green

Writers: Rex Carlton (original story), Joseph Green (original story), 1 more credit »

Stars: Jason Evers, Virginia Leith, Anthony La Penna

“Let me die. Let me die!”

Is that the sound of despair from an audience member watching the last Indiana Jones film? Or maybe the plea for mercy you make when you find out your kid likes Justin Bieber? Perhaps it's the catchphrase of that Idols judge everyone loves to hate? Or could it be the wail of a woman – with nothing but a black screen showing- that makes this one of the most effective opening moments of a horror film ever?

Yes, it's all of the above. But that doesn't take away from how creepy that introduction is in this horror film. It works and it's disturbing. It's almost as good as the scream at the start of the original House on Haunted Hill, the first murder in Scream or any of the other best intro teasers out there. Start with a bang, that's always a good lesson with movies.

Of course, then you've got to follow it up with another good hour or two of viewing. This one doesn't. In fact, the intro is the best part of this film – except for when The End flashes on the screen later.

Doctor Bill Cortner is one of those maverick surgeons who breaks all those pesky rules and ethics that hamper medical advancements. You know, like performing experimental surgery on the newly-dead, bringing them back to life and stealing limbs from amputees. His dad doesn't like it, but Bill is a rebel like Victor Frankenstein. He's off to the family summer house/private laboratory with his hot-to-trot fiancée Jan at 10 mph, but she won't stop nagging him. He accelerates wildly on some dangerous curves just to shut her up, and promptly crashes.

He's thrown clear, but she gets decapitated. Let that be a lesson, kids. Speed kills.

Being an upstanding guy, he doesn't bother waiting for the authorities but rather grabs her severed head and takes it to the summer house. Like any good doctor would, he clamps her head in a vice, pops it in a pan of magical medical goop and brings it back to life. Since he still wants to get busy with Jan, he figures all he has to do is transplant her head on another woman's body. It means the other woman will die, but that's the price of progress.

While he sets out on the dreary task of attending burlesque bars, beauty pageants and bikini photo sessions looking for the perfect woman, Jan's severed head is doing what she does best: nag. She nags at Cortner's assistant, and then at one of his earlier test subjects who remains locked away. She's also telepathic now and uses that skill to nag even more. All she wants to do is die, but revenge is an equally acceptable alternative.

I'd tell you the ending, but I won't. Not because I disapprove of spoilers, but because there isn't much of an ending to speak of. It's there, but if you blink, you'll miss it. It scores for revealing what the test subject monster looks like but fails because it looks like the lovechild of Sloth and Tor Johnson.

One of the biggest problems with this film is that there are no actual heroes; Jan is a pain, and you wish that she would die just so she'd stop complaining, while Dr. Cortner has all the appeal of a block of wood and half the charisma. The film feels soulless. It's a cheap exploitation film that doesn't even pretend to be anything more, with no actual horror and drawn-out shots of pointless eye candy.

Oh, and there's the problem that it was made at all. But then if it weren't then we wouldn't have anything to laugh at, right? So, I guess we owe it something for that.

Thankfully, there's that great introduction to hang on to. And the words, The End, which can't seem to arrive fast enough. The rest is filling, bland and leaving a bad taste behind. Spit it out after consumption. 

- Rick Austin

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Review: The Last Man on Earth (1964)

The Last Man on Earth (1964)

Directors: Ubaldo Ragona (as Ubaldo B. Ragona), Sidney Salkow (uncredited)

“Do you dare imagine what it would be like to be the last man on Earth... or the last woman? Alive among the lifeless... alone among the crawling creatures of evil that make the night hideous with their inhuman craving?!” That's what the poster for this film wanted to know. Do we dare?

Sure, why not?

Before Will Smith made it clear that he was Legend and Charlton Heston was the Omega Man, Vincent Price told us that he was The Last Man on Earth. And with good reason, too. In a world populated with vampires, who better to represent the human race than that silvery-voiced master of suspense and horror?

If you saw either of those later filmed versions of Richard Matheson's tale, you'll know what the score is:

Four years in the future, a plague wipes out society, except those infected don't stay dead for long. They return as creatures of the night, ready to feast on any remaining survivors – which will then infect those they attack and increase their numbers. The last survivor of mankind, Dr. Robert Morgan, spends his nights locked up in his home, sleeping in fear that he'll be discovered. By day he collects supplies vital to his survival, killing any weakened vampires he finds and searching for a cure to the plague.

Of course, since he's immune, he has somewhere to start regarding his research. That isn't the problem; the real issue is if he can survive against overwhelming odds and keep his sanity long enough to get the job done. He gets a dog as a companion, which goes tragically wrong, and then finds another survivor. Or is she? She's showing some of the symptoms of being a vampire but doesn't attack him.

As the mystery deepens for Doctor Morgan, he discovers that he isn't as alone as he first thought, but the alternative to being a vampire may not be all that he'd hoped. What remains of the human race and the dark side of survival is revealed. It's a gloomy future ahead...

There are some flaws with this film, one of the biggest being the vampires. They may be everywhere, but they don't seem that threatening. They're slow, sluggish and despite all the clichés (sharp teeth, problems with garlic and mirrors and being killed by a stake through the heart) they act more like zombies. Old movie zombies. Which means they just groan and wander around banging on doors in a futile manner, as opposed to chasing Brad Pitt at a breakneck speed.

It gets off to a slow start too, with a drawn-out backstory. Just when you think it's about to pick up it slows down again, before racing to a panic-stricken final act which needed just a little more explanation. Then there's the original idea of our hero becoming a legend of this post-apocalyptic world... but doesn't.

Those faults aside, it's still a good film. It may lack the high-budget gloss and depth of the later versions, but it's a fantastic early model of the survival horror genre that inspired others. The deck is stacked against Morgan right from the start, and it's easy to understand why he's become unraveled. The solitude is impossible to deal with, a cure seems hopeless, and even a simple trip to the shops or getting petrol for his car is a mission.

Vincent Price is in top form, giving a great performance and seemingly becoming more unhinged as it goes. The ending is as dark and disturbing as the beginning and shows a more realistic portrayal of the end of the world than many in this genre. There's something more psychologically disturbing about being slowly stalked than being over-run by racing hordes, and on that level this film delivers. A slightly quicker pace would have been good, but it works regardless.

Of course, it's a classic. But why? It may not be the best and it certainly isn't the oldest. Yet the impact and influence of it make it a film that can't be denied. It's one of those that set the standard, and while the bar may have been surpassed by others, it's still a benchmark that most struggle to achieve. 

- Rick Austin